You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Randomize
