i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
