So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
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What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
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Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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