My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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