Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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