my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
