do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
