I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
