He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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