I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
