please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
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