Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Just invented taco cereal.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
