I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
