I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
