That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
