Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
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Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
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I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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