so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
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it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
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My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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