Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
