Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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