I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
