youre lurking in front of me
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
