That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
