Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Randomize
