Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
