All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
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