I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
