I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
