her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
