Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize