Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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