We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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