Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
