I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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