i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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