Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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