All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
