You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
