Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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