Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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