you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
