I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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