yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
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The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
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One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I deserve this hangover.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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