and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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