In the future we'll all be gay
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
