my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
