I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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