I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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