Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
