Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize