Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
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Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
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