I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize