I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
