this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Are these your boobs on my camera?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
